I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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