i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
