maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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