your parents love me but you hate me
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
