Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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