she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
