I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
