Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
