Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
smell my finger.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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