11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
