i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
