god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
