two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
