I can text with my tongue
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize