I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
