Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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