Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
