I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
