tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
