Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
