He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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