Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
