Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
