It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
