i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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