I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
