Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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