Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
