I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
