What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
