I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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