it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
