she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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