Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
