oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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