I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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