I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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