the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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