Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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