It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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