You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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