I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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