It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
