im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
