I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
