I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
