My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
