did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
