I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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