it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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