Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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