I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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