Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
