Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize