they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
