i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
