If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
