mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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