the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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