hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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