I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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